Script/Transcript for program: Making Money: 06012014

Making Money

This is a script from anarchist prisoner Sean Swain being read by Bursts O'Goodness.
Let's talk about making money. The old fashioned way. Just like the poor, deluded hierarchs do.
I read something not long ago - did you know the North Korean government is the number one counterfeiter of U.S. money? Yeah.

By some estimates, North Korea prints BILLIONS of phoney U.S. dollars... and they're so realistic, even government officials can't tell. So, in

order to avoid the de-valuation of the U.S. dollar, the Treasury and the Federal Reserve developed a strategy: they simply ASSUME there's

"X" amount of counterfeit money in circulation, and they print LESS. If they didn't do that, there'd be so much money in circulation that the

U.S. dollar would be as worthless as a V.I.P., all-access tour pass of the Fukushima power plant.
Now, some implications of this. For one, the U.S. economy now depends on having enough counterfeit money in circulation at any

given time. "Funny money" is figured into the government equation. For two, in order to maintain economic health for our great nation, we

have a patriotic responsibility to make sure there are enough bogus bills floating about.
We all have to do our part, you know. And I have a sneaking suspicion that way too few people out there are upholding their civic

responsibility and printing their own cash. So, as the only gonzo journalist reporting live from the bowels of a super-duper-uber-mega-ultra-max

facility, it's my job to consult some professional counterfeiters and provide you with the full report.
According to G-Money, Polo, and C-Dog, the experts in this field, it all begins with the paper. You have to do a little research, but

there's a kind of paper sold at art supply stores that feels a lot like money AND it passes t5h e"marker test" that any casheir might employ to

check for counterfeit. THAT'S the paper you want.
The experts also agree that you never want to print anything bigger than a ten dollar bill. Bigger denominations get back to a bank

too fast and the alarm bells go off. Ten dollar bills, in contrast, get re-circulated and may stay in circulation for YEARS before going back to the

Now, as for printing - the experts are split. G-Money says to just use a color copier. You can put 3 bills in a plastic sleeve and line

them up, and get them so you can match front to back, and then let it roll, printing up a whole ream or two of paper. Polo and C-Dog prefer

scanning bills onto a computer and printing them out on a color printer and then using those printed "masters" on a color copier. The downside

to this, of course, si the computer memory that incriminates you. Something to think about.
You'll want one of those big paper slicers like you used to have in art class in school. Examine the bills. They gotta line up perfect.
Now, C-Dog suggests tossing the bills in the bathtub with water and green food coloring. He says this helps "fatten" the bills, make

them look used, and additionally protects you against the "smear" test, as real money always leaves a green smudge when rubbed on white

Last step in making money, toss your new bills in the dryer with wooden poker chips. Wooden poker chips smell like money. Experts

estimate you can make THOUSANDS per day.
As for "laundering" the bills, you want to go to places that are dark and hectic where the cashiers have low morale. At a bar, you can

buy a drink with a ten and put the clean money in your other pocket. Gas stations. It's also good to circulate your money in tourist towns,

around amusement parks for example. Your money will pop up all over the map. Be careful not to circulate the same serial numbers repeatedly

to the same cash register.
You can then take all those fives and ones and have your friends go into different businesses to cash them in for twenties. You can

then take those twenties to a bank, get traveler's checks, and put them in a safe deposit box. But you don't want to go into a bank with five

grand in fives and ones or you'll raise alarms.
Remember, none of these people realize that you're just trying to do your duty to keep the U.S. economy afloat. They'll think you're

involved in low-risk high-yeild criminal behavior to avoid being a wage-slave, funding resistance activities with virtually FREE money. There's

no way for them to know you are self-lessly performing a necessary function to ensure the economic recovery. <sigh> We live in a hyper-fascist

techno-surveillance state, so be safe. Think things through. No good deed goes unpunished.
This is Bursts reading a script from anarchist prisoner Sean Swain from Ohio's supermax facility. If you can't hear the sound of

Seans voice, you ARE the resistance.